Changing Our Expectations
Have you ever known someone for a long time and assumed you knew how they would act in a given situation? Every single one of us does this without thinking as our brains are wired to place people in categories based on our prior experiences. While this is normal, its critical for all of us to be flexible in our thoughts as we have new experiences through our interactions with the world and others. As we continue to learn, our schemas must change because nothing in our lives ever truly stays the same.
This idea struck me over the recent holiday break while spending time with my four children. Each of the four are very different despite sharing the DNA of their parents. With the oldest now a new teenager and the youngest in third grade, I figured I knew them pretty well. Each one has their favorite foods, activities they enjoy and friend group. Sometimes their interests and thoughts overlap but they are much more distinct than similar. Thankfully they look more like their mother.
As they have grown older, their excitement for Christmas has changed. When they were little, they loved having a picture taken with Santa. Of course, each year we had at least one cry when seeing the stranger in the red suit. Over the last couple years, the two oldest have transitioned from waiting for Santa to helping Santa moves the elves to a new destination each night. My 6th grade daughter changed the most, or so I thought.
She is wise beyond her years and has had ability for sarcasm since her early elementary years. She has a very close group of friends but can also be very quiet. In kindergarten, the teachers stopped spelling around her after they tried to discuss R-E-C-E-S-S secretly. She of course had to let her classmates know they were going to have an extra recess shortly. She pushes herself in school and now spends at least 12 hours a week in dance practice. While she gets the type A part of her personality from me, she also has a kind heart. Her ultimate goal is to be the next Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Like many her age, she calls me “bro’ and appears uninterested in most things outside her circle. She proved me wrong last week.
With the kids now older, we can normally sleep in until 8 a.m. When they were younger, the first light also meant the door was slowly being pushed open by little hands with the other siblings prodding each other forward. This year ended up being different. At around 5 am, I could hear footsteps leaving one room and going into the others two. That was followed by a voice excitedly exclaiming, “It’s Christmas!” In my grogginess, I was unable to immediately tell who was acting as the town crier. I quickly assumed it had to be the youngest but was the voice was a bit lower. Of the four, it was my child who always seems so calm, cool, and seemingly collected. The joy and excitement in her voice was not what I expected.
Despite my sleepiness, her actions made me smile. I smiled because it was so easy to hear the excitement in her voice. I smiled because if you had asked me who was most likely to be the ringleader for Christmas morning, she would have been my last guess of the four. She is the one in the house most likely to sleep in the latest, even beyond our older lazy golden doodle. Getting her to shake off the daily coma can be a challenge. Yet on Christmas morning she was unexpectedly wide awake with cheer.
As our children grow, we expect that we are the ones teaching them about right and wrong, about life. But if we pay attention, they can provide us with many lessons. My oldest daughter, the one who is often embarrassed by the comedic antics of her father, taught me that our expectations have a way of clouding our judgement. Expectations can hold us back from experiencing the unexpected. In the New Year, I’m going to take the lesson and work harder to listen and learn from those I encounter. You never know who might change your perspective.
